Friday, April 29, 2016

Maternity Leave and Meternity - Not even close

Every once in a while a woman comes along, hopping around, flipping hair and flashing manicured nails and spouting off about the dumbest shit in the world, and all you can think is “You’re the type that makes women look stupid.”

Enter Meghann Foye, a woman who has written a book and spoken on the topic of “Meternity.” It’s like maternity leave, but without the baby. You know for single people without babies because it’s not fair that only people who have babies get all this time off.

I’ll let that sink in for a minute.

According to Ms. Foye, taking maternity leave is a wonderful time that allows women to reflect on
Spend vacation hooked up to this every 3 hours. It's fun!
life, learn to advocate for themselves and their family, and generally recharge.

You moms seeing red yet?

I’m not sure about everyone else’s experience, but I went into labor at night, was emailing my boss from the hospital before they wheeled me into an operating room to cut me open, pulled everything out, including two babies, and put everything back together. I then spent three days in the hospital, and came home to a constant cycle of nursing, pumping, diapers, crying, bodily fluids, no sleep, more nursing, more crying (it may or may not have been me), lots of bleeding, and some more pumping. There was also that whole healing thing I had to do since I had what amounts to a major abdominal surgery. I managed to fit some of that in as well. At week six I left my twins to go back to work because my husband and I really felt that living indoors was important and we needed the money of my full salary.

A few weeks later I took my first business trip and was gone from them for two nights and was introduced to the wonderful world of pumping while traveling.

How I started my "vacation" (This is not me). 
Sounds awesome right? Still want a maternity leave? Did I mention they didn’t sleep through the night for 13 months? What about pumping at work? That’s a lot of fun and not at all awkward as you sit in a meeting that’s running late and pray you don’t start leaking because your boobs feel like painful rocks strapped to your chest.

About the only thing that I came off my maternity leave realizing was that I didn’t want to travel as much and I wanted to make more money, and I felt like that before I had two kids ripped from my abdomen. So you know what I did? I got a different job.

Screw you and your “meternity.” You want time off, save up your PTO, or take and unpaid leave of absence. That’s pretty much like a maternity leave. Time off without pay. Sounds awesome, right? Also, why should only women get this? Don’t men need to soul search and figure out what deep meaning things they have to do with their lives? Hopefully it’s not write silly books about shit they don’t understand.

As for advocating for yourself, that’s a skill you can get without having kids or taking sabbatical, and doesn’t require soul searching. It’s called being confident and assertive. Figure it out. Men and women can both do it. Believe in yourself and the job you’re doing and then figure out how to get what you want. If your current company won’t accommodate find another job. It’s not easy, and it takes balls, but you can do it without vacation or pushing a baby out of your lady parts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I should probably figure out what work I’ll be taking home this weekend since I leave on time every day in an effort to see my kids.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Reebok Stomps on Women's Dreams

Happy Alien Day!

A few weeks ago it was announced that on April 26 (Alien Day) Reebok would be releasing a replica of the the Alien Stompers Ripley wore in the 1986 movie Aliens, which were originally made by Reebok for the film.  For those who wanted something that isn’t a mid-calf gym shoe, there was a lower version, worn by Bishop, also being released.

So here we are, April 26. Everyone is celebrating Administrative Professionals Day, and a few are
also celebrating Alien Day. (For those who don’t know the date is a reference to the planet LV-426). Let’s go get our Alien Stompers on.

Oh, except all you ladies. Yeah. All you ladies that wanted a pair of Alien Stompers like the ones Ripley, our female hero, wears in the film… Reebok says “fuck you.” Alien Stompers only come in men’s sizes.

Yep. The shoe worn by one of the strongest, most iconic women on screen, a woman who unapologetically kicked ass movie after movie, who took out the Alien queen, cared for a child (RIP Newt), and proved that women can carry action movies and kick ass long before strong females were something we all so desperately looked for, is not made for women.

Reebok released a statement saying that the Alien Stompers are unisex, but apparently they were all sized for men because unisex shoe sizing isn’t a thing. Then there was also the issue that any sizes lower than a women’s 8 didn’t even appear to exist.

Creating a shoe based off of a female character and sizing it for men is idiotic. If you want it to be inclusive why not size it for women and let the men do the math on that one?

Of course there were also only 426 pairs made, all of which have already sold out, so even if you want a pair and can wear a man’s shoe, you’re shit out of luck.


“Game Over, Man.” 

Dear Reebok, Ripley is pissed. 

Monday, April 4, 2016

Balance it All

Every month I say I’m going to write, and then every month goes by with me writing less and less. I am still active on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram if you follow me there, which I hope you do because if this is how you get your Cat in Heels updates, then you’re woefully behind.

So what’s been happening? The twins turned two, I still work a lot, I haven’t been shopping and have bought zero new shoes for me (the twins on the other hand…) and I continue to stress about every little thing because I’m a generally anxious individual and a mom, which makes you more anxious, so really if there was an Olympic sport for anxiety, I would totally be a contender.

In all this working and moming and being a wife, there’s not a lot of time left for me. This weekend I sat with a friend as my twins and her two children tore her house apart and we discussed the woes of moming. There’s the working mom guilt that you never get to spend enough time with your kids, and then on the weekends you try, but you also need hubby/family time, but then there’s you a time and you could really use a trip to the salon or a few hours to buy new bras because pregnancy and breastfeeding has forever changed your boobs; but then you aren’t with your kids; and you need new Spanx because summer is coming and dresses and inner-thigh-chub-rub; so you need time for the gym, but then you don’t see your kids, but those yoga classes would be great; and I want new shoes, but my kids got new shoes; Husband says buy something and treat yourself, but shouldn’t I be starting a college fund; and oh my god my roots, seriously, that hair appointment; and I really just need a minute to not be grabbed and yelled at and stop shrieking; wow I’m gonna miss this Monday; damnit your head is hard, I think I lost a tooth… Aren’t they precious when they’re sleeping?

Happy 2nd birthday to these two monsters.
That sums up about 20 minutes in my head. The good thing is that after talking with my friend this weekend I know I’m not alone.

This is the eternal Mom Struggle. The idea of “having it all” when in reality all we should really be striving for is a little balance and to avoid getting our teeth knocked out by toddler heads (why are they so hard?). No one ever asks men how to have it all, or how they balance everything, yet in many homes men take on equal roles, helping with housework and kids and so on, and no one ever asks them about “it all.”

What the fuck does that mean anyway?

It’s some arbitrary bullshit people made up to be able to say dumb things to women when they work and have kids, when in reality that just makes us parents. Whether your job is in the house, raising kids, going to an office, traveling for work or whatever, you have to make it work, and that includes getting some me time (which also applies to dads).

So take some time. Get brunch with friends, fix those roots, buy a new bra that actually fits your boobs, wax something or just shut the bathroom door after the kids go to bed and drink wine while sitting in the bathtub. Whatever it is get some, and then make sure your significant other gets some too. It’ll help everyone be just a little bit better at that whole life/parenting thing.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Western Inspired Makes Me Sick, and other reactions to trends

I’ve always been a little iffy on trends, and since having the twins, I have fallen into the black hole of working motherhood and I don’t know anything anymore.

My younger sister had to explain Snapchat to me last summer. Needless to say, I still don’t have one. I have just accepted that in some ways I am totally, and completely out of touch.

Who What Where always seemed a little more down to earth when it comes to trends, pricing and things like that. I mean, they have a line with Target. It doesn’t get much more consumer friendly than that. So when I saw a recent article about “7 Shoe Styles You Should Definitely Wear in 2016” I took the bait. I don’t want to be totally off trend. I am wearing clothes from last year because I’m convincing myself my body is going to get with the program and loose weight soon. I haven’t bought many shoes because I’m waiting on this amazing wardrobe I’m going to buy my new skinny body…

Jesus, I wish I hadn’t looked.

This isn't a sandal. It's bullshit.
First off, sneakers are not new and different just because Gucci makes them and we all started calling them “Fashion Sneakers.” They’re still just sneakers and Adidas and Converse have been making them for decades.

Mule slides are generally a no. The chunky sandal mules of the ‘70s had a reprise in the ‘90s and went away again. Why do you think that is? It’s cause they’re ugly. Please stop trying to make this happen. Again.

Rope shoes… What the fuck? We are officially running out of ideas if fashioning shoes out of old rope like we’re taking fashion cues from the movie Castaway sounds like a good idea. Also, $800 is too much to spend on rope, even if it is in the shape of a shoe.

Western Inspired needs to stop. I feel nauseous when I look at
I hate these with the fire of 1,000 suns
anything “western inspired.” Seriously, it makes me physically ill. Western mules actually made me barf in my mouth a little. I haven’t been this spontaneously nauseous since I was pregnant.

The next trend I give a big fat maybe to, which is backless heels. I have a pair. They’re not awful. They’re comfy, rather cute and made me realize how badly I need a pedicure from a professional. They’re currently waiting to be worn until I manage to get said pedicure.

Flatforms are another trend that I feel like someone is trying to make happen along with “fetch.” I wish they would go away. It already happened in the ‘90s. I am now having flashbacks. Make it stop.

The last one on the list wasn’t even a trend so much as a heel height. “Low heels” have been around since the invention of heels. There’s always been varying heights of heels and while I personally don’t mind “low” I hate “kitten” unless you’re a little old lady at which point it’s totally cute.

All this bullshit makes me glad I’m not making an effort to be trendy. Maybe I am getting old and therefore out of touch in many capacities. Maybe kids, work, the house and general adulting have taken over my attention to trends; or maybe, I’m just not a slave to fast fashion and have more sense than to wear anything Western inspired.