Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Flying with shoes

Airport security is a pain in the ass. It doesn't matter which airport, what city, it remains the same. Slow, stupid and full of people moving through man-made corralls so we can be x-rayed, scanned and patted down in the name of safety.

The funny thing is though, that with a few exceptions I'm pretty sure the reason it's so slow is all because of shoes.

If this guy wore slip ons he'd be sipping coffee at the gate now.
We all need to take off our shoes at airports and we know this by now. It's not a surprise. A few years ago some nutter tried to blow up his shoe, and the plane, and now we all get our shoes x-rayed. So why can't people plan for this?

Every time security is backed up (which is all the time) it's all because of people and their damn shoes. Ties, buckles, boots, more ties.

If you know you're flying, then why not wear a pair of slip on shoes? Something that can come on and off easily and doesn't require you to sit down in the middle of the floor and freak out TSA agents, cause old ladies to trip and hold up the whole freaking terminal. All because of a pair of gym shoes.

You can still worry about catching some kind of crazy foot fungus, that you may have accidently packed your aerosil hairspray and it will explode in your luggage, or that your luggage will be rifled through and you'll be missing a pair of heels or your favorite shirt, but as long as you wear slip on shoes, security will be a hell of a lot faster and easier.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Shoes according to Cosmo

Every woman I know has a love hate relationship with Cosmopolitan. We can’t ignore it, and yet, we love to make fun of it. It makes us feel bad about ourselves, but we still look at it in the grocery aisle.

It’s like a drug. I know that their “business” clothes only work for girls who don’t go to an office, and that the sex tips they offer are the same month after month, and occasionally throw in something awful like, “twist your hand like you’re opening a jar.”

True story. I’ll let you figure out what they were talking about. (Hint: not opening jars).

Then yesterday in my Facebook news feed about people's kids, what someone had for breakfast, how much someone loves their S.O., shoe posts, and various other bullshit there’s an article someone posted from Cosmo; “Women and Shoes: a Love Story.” They of course start with an opening about Cinderella. Because that's not a cliche or anything.

I did not buy these because I can wear them all the time.
So I click on it and read, like I have so many other Cosmo articles, and as I’m reading I can feel my IQ dropping. I actually feel my brain getting mushy and start to care about what they say about why women love shoes. I mean, they put a lot into this. There’s psychological reasons we love shoes say a branding expert and a PhD/editor (no word on what her PhD is in).

Oh, and they’re total horseshit.

According to the “experts” it’s because of dopamine and the fact that we can rationalize buying shoes because we will wear them more than once.

Seriously? I buy the shit out of shoes, and it’s not because I get a high off spending my hard earned money or because I can wear them more than once. In fact sometimes I know I’ll wear them once and buy them anyway. In fact, some of my most expensive shoes are the ones I wear the least because they’re so freaking bizarre and unique they just don’t go with any old thing. Others were just awesome.

Then they said something about sex, which is probably true, but also stupid.

Why do women love shoes? Who gives a shit. I think it’s different for everyone. It’s like why some guys love blonds and others brunettes, tits or ass, skirts or slacks. This is a personal preference, not a psychological condition.

Thanks for continuing your effort to pigeonhole all us women together Cosmo. Without you, we’d probably all be a little bit smarter.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Connecting the dots

Part of my problem with shoes (and shopping in general) is that I can't pass up a good sale. So last week when Bakers Shoes sent me and email offering an additional 15% off sale items, I had to see what I could find (like the red heels I need).

Alas, there were no red heels, but there were a pair of cute black patent cork soled sandals, and an amazing pair of navy polka dot sandals.

Never one to pass up a sale I immediately ordered both, which were luckily available in my size. Later that afternoon I realized there was something I didn't take into account. I don't own anything to match the navy polka dot shoes.

Sad at the idea of having to wait to wear them, I posted this on Facebook, and immediately got some suggestions. Nautical chic was the answer from everyone, and suddenly I remembered that I actually own a white linen skirt that would go great with these shoes, especially when paired with a red cardigan and navy shell (which needs to be bought).
These will go with anything, right?

So now I have an outfit to wear them with. One outfit for one pair of shoes.

I'm pretty sure random impulse buying of this sort is the reason I have so many shoes in the first place. And so many shoes that only get worn with one thing. Like yellow patent leather, blue leopard, zebra and blue sandals, and many, many more.

The worst (best?) part of the whole thing is that I kind of don't even care that I don't have anything to go with these shoes. They're pretty damn amazing looking, and for the deal I got wearing them once is totally getting my money worth. The rest of the time I should put them on a shelf in the living room with other ridiculous non-worn shoes and start calling them all art.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Sandals, mandals and acceptable footwear

Men get kind of the short end of the stick with shoes. They need only a few colors, have a few style choices, and according to men, none of them are comfortable. At least not if they're also good looking, and guys can't be uncomfortable in the name of fashion like ladies. 

WTF is this?
The only shoes men don't bitch about is gym shoes (not OK for everyday wear) and sandals, which show off their gnarled, hairy, generally unpedicured feet.

I've never been able to make a solid decision on how I feel about men wearing sandals. Commonly known as "mandals." Sometimes it seems OK, and other times it's really not. Maybe it's dependant on the type of mandals being worn.

Actually, to be honest I've never seen a pair of mandals I like. But for some reason they don't offend me. At least not all the time.

When I see them in stores or on men's feet they range in reaction from, "I'm gonna puke" to "I guess those aren't awful.

There's the Birkenstock mandal (ick), the gladiator cage mandal (kinda ick), the sport mandal (I am against anything made of rubber or canvas), and probably some mandal I haven't thought of. Plus the various types of flip flops and bullshit that are only appropriate for the beach, grocery store and privacy of your own home.

Really, guys should just stick with shoes and boots. It just seems easier. And please, please, please, stop wearing everything with freaking socks.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

F*%k these shoes

I have a potty mouth.

Shocking right? Yeah. And if you've ever read anything I wrote then you know that I use "colorful" language. And if you actually know me personally, well then, you know I swear like a trucker. And if you read this, then you're probably not offended.

A few months ago a friend sent me a picture of some peep toe boots that literally said, "Fuck you" on them. I of course had to find them.

As it happens I randomly came upon them one day when a designer I follow (and love) by the name of Massimo Dogana posted them. And they were his design, which I somehow missed.

Never mind all the colorful boots and beautiful textures of his other shoes. The amazing hardware embellishments and wacky print combinations, one Google search of his name and the first page of shoes that comes up are images of the various designs the "Fuck You" shoe comes in. (The second picture is an amazing pair of metallic sandals with jewel encrusted platforms).

Peep toe boots, strappy sandals, platform sandals, all with the middle finger and the "F**k You" on the platform. There's even a picture of Ashanti in a pair of the sandals.

While these probably can't be worn on a lot of occasions (the office probably frowns on profane shoes), these are all kinds of awesome. People put all kinds of messages on their t-shirts. Emblazoning free advertising across their chest for whatever brand. Why not send a message with your footwear?

Anyone who can allow me to walk and tell everyone I pass to fuck off at the same time, gets my vote. Plus I wonder if you can also paint the nail to match your outfit.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Walking and rolling

I work in a world where it's OK to wear gym shoes to and from work.

Let me clarify. That happens whether I like it or not. As anyone who works in any downtown area will attest, there are always the power walkers in suits and gym shoes, skirts and gym shoes, and slacks and gym shoes, trying to burn a few extra calories before being chained to a desk all day worrying about getting secretary spread.

This even looks dumb off a foot
I may not like it, but it happens, and I get it.

More and more though I'm seeing women running (rocking?) to and from the trains in the toning/shaping shoes. Shoes with a rounded sole that are supposed to give you an ass like Kim Kardashian (pretty sure DNA is the only way that's gonna happen).

I seem to have missed the part of life when walking to and from someplace wasn't exercise enough and we had to add half a Pilates ball to the bottom of our feet. At least it provides humor as I watch them tip and teeter in gym shoes that make no sense. 

Here's an idea. Go to the gym after work or during lunch. Walk an extra block. Do jumping jacks in the backyard while waiting for the dog to shit (I actually do this), do crunches while watching TV....

And no, I am not Ms. Fitness 2011. I just happen to really hate ugly things, especially if they're expensive too.

Why did they think this would work?
A few weeks ago I was going to replace my gym shoes (yes, I have some and work out in them), and I asked my brother in law, who is the manager of a top ranked hospital based wellness center, if toning shoes are actually worth it and he said they work about as well as the fat jiggling belts that were all the rage in the 1960s.

Gross.

So skip the funny looking shoes, and for the love of all things holy, please don't put your kids in them. Yes, they make shape up shoes for kids. They also make them for men, but I haven't seen any men wearing them.

Instead tie up the good old gym shoes and power walk your ass off to and from the train, hop around like an idiot while waiting for the dog to finish sniffing every blade of grass in the yard, and do kickboxing while waiting for pasta to boil. Those legs have to be strong to keep wearing those sky high heels.