Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Shoe Fashion Specialist

That's my new title. I'm going to get business cards made that say I'm a "Shoe Fashion Specialist."

If you're wondering what the hell that means, it means some clever reporter made up a title for me instead of calling me a blogger.

The article is on men's shoes, and I can only hope that people read it and take heart. Men's shoes don't have to be expensive in order for them not to look like a total ass.

Also, please take note that the certified image professional (this is actually what he does) and I agree on just about everything. The personal stylist (who also runs her own company dressing people) seems to be off the mark and said that it's OK to wear suits and sneakers. Please note that it is not OK, even when celebrities do it. Chances are they were hitting the bottle before leaving the house, and that's how they ended up in sneakers at an awards ceremony.

I wonder what kind of career path I can take from here.

Anyone need someone to pick out their shoes for them? Aside from this guy.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Never a comeback

A few days ago I got a Facebook message from a horrified friend.

"The people on the radio said fanny packs are back. You really need to address this in your blog."

But I write about shoes...

So today we take a break from shoes, and go into the world of accessories. Bags really aren't that far from shoes anyway, and some people insist that their bags and shoes should always match, but I always figured those people only have like three pair of shoes, because really, who has that much room? 

I digress.

I'm not much of a TV or radio person, so I Googled it, and judging by dates, fanny packs (or belt bags as one site called them) are always on the verge of coming back.

2007, 2008, 2009, and yes, 2010 were all the year that the fanny pack was going to make a comeback. Really, who decides this? And who thought that this was a good idea in the first place?

If you really have that much stuff to carry, buy a purse, or a man bag, a messenger bag, a murse (man purse), but for the love of God, don't get a fanny pack! One mom site said they're convenient because you don't need to bend over to get your stuff out or keep it mixed into the diaper bag.

This makes me think that this lady needs to rethink the strap length on her purse if she's bending over to get stuff out, and maybe not pack a week's worth of diapers for a trip to the mall if you can't find your car keys in that cavernous diaper bag. Or put them in a different compartment. Really, is it that hard?

The new fanny packs are apparently multi use too. We've moved on from the neon nylon atrocities, and these new ones come in other fabrics, and with more compartments, including ones that have a concealed gun holster, holds a bottle of water, tethers your child to you, or carries your dog. Really, I cannot make this stuff up.

What tasteless designers, fashion challenged moms, some men, the chronically  dehydrated, and rednecks need to realize is that fanny packs were never in style, and they never will be. They're not back, because they were never here, and we all make fun of people who wear them.

I may also make fun of the guy with a murse, but way less than if he was rocking a fanny pack.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Guns on heels

I have to admit, that ever since Madonna rocked a pair of black Chanel peep toes with handgun heels to the premier of "Filth and Wisdom", I've been smitten with the idea of having my own pair. Activists railed against her for the shoes, saying they promote the use of handguns and blah, blah, blah...It's fashion people. Sometimes fashion is not making political statements. And I'm pretty sure that Karl Lagerfeld was focusing on the fact that they look good and are art in the form of a shoe, as opposed to having Chanel make a political statement on handguns or gun violence.

After spending months obsessing over these shoes, this weekend I found my own pair of handgun shoes. They're silver sandals with bullet belt style straps across the toe and ankle by Pleaser Shoes. The bullets made buckling them a problem, but the largest issue was by far the towering 7 1/2 inch heel (and accompanying platform). I spend my life in heels and this is a challenge even for me.

Yes, they're pretty much stripper platforms, and a friend added that they look like something a tranny would wear and followed that up with wanting to know why I didn't own them yet.

Sometimes I think I need new friends. 

But I digress, the reason I don't have them is simple; I can't walk. There's a difference between teetering around like an idiot (which I do a lot), and feeling like you're on stilts. These made me feel like I was on stilts. Me, plus 7 1/2 inches puts me at about six feet tall. I've never seen the world from up there, and after teetering around the store I can verify that it's pretty horrifying, and I think the air is thinner.

So now I mourn the lack of weapons in my shoe collection (barring the shoes themselves) and continue the search for something like Madonna's Chanel shoes with a little more pocketbook-friendly price tag.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Happy Fluevog Day!

Really, I'm not making it up. It's International Fluevog Day and they're celebrating 40 years. Today all regular price shoes in store are 15% off and every 40th web order is free, and there's free shipping all weekend.

I might have to rock the Fluevogs on over to the store in Wicker Park and see what kind  of damage I can do.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Flipping, flopping and dating

Men's shoes are important. I realize that I haven't really talked about them a lot, but I don't have a lot of male readers, and if they want to read about their shoes they can start their own blog. Plus, I don't think most men realize how important shoes can be.

Last week my younger sister called me and we were chatting, and got around to talking about this guy she had recently gone out with. When I asked if she was interested she paused.

He's a goner.

When I asked why (because I'm nosy not because I feel bad for the guy) she let forth with the litany of regular excuses. "He's nice, but there just wasn't a connection, and blah, blah, blah...and I hate to sound shallow, but he wore flip flops."

Wait, what? Where? To a bar? On a date? With you?

Barf.

Now if this date was at a beach, or a park, or not the second date, maybe this would have been OK. Or if he was coming from the beach, or they were getting hot dogs (which she would never do because she's a vegetarian), but flip flops on a date. This guys was practically asking her not to return his calls.

And yes, as shallow as this sounds, shoes are important. I think you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes and clothes, and I will admit to having turned down dates and not gone out with people because they had bad shoes. Maybe it's shallow, but is it really any different than not dating someone because they have bad teeth, goofy hair or smell funny? They're all aesthetic things that not only make a person attractive or not, but tells us something about them. And while flip flops are great for beaches and strolls in the park, bumming around and maybe even a ball game (just guessing here, I don't watch baseball), they are not OK for a second date getting cocktails in a major metropolitan area.

In an odd twist of fate, this question also came up this week when I was emailing with a reporter. The question was about men's shoes and he asked if flip flops are OK for the workplace.

I'm guessing this guy doesn't get out of the newsroom a lot, because I have never seen anyone, male or female, wear flip flops to the office. I answered (nicely) that flip flops are never OK for the office, networking events, or anything else that doesn't involve summertime with friends.

And yes, I own flip flops, and no, they don't have heels. But they do have sequins. 

So guys (and girls) keep the beach wear for the beach, and remember that you wouldn't wear a bikini on a date. Like gym shoes, flip flops have their time and place, and it is not on dates.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mail order gold

Coming home to surprises is always fantastic. Like when someone unloads the dishwasher or takes out the trash.

That doesn't happen in my house, but I dream about it. Maybe it happens in someone else's house.

So while I had to load my own dishwasher and take out the garbage today, I did get shoes in the mail. I don't really have time to shop in a store like regular people, so I stalk things online. And when I saw gold metallic sandals I realized that I must own them. Who wouldn't need these? 4" stiletto gladiator sandals are a necessity in any wardrobe, and in mine they have to be gold.

I'm not entirely sure what they're going with yet, but I'm sure I'll find something. I'm also pretty sure that they're not going to be my most comfortable shoes, and if I've had a few cocktails I may end up just sleeping in them. The wrap around ankle straps make getting them on and off a little difficult.

At least I'll look good while sleeping.

Monday, May 10, 2010

White after when?

Last week I got a call from a friend, who was asking about the proper time of year to wear white shoes. She was confused by the rules, and instead of committing a shoe faux paux, decided to change her whole outfit and wear different shoes.

Having not seen the shoes, I can't judge their whiteness, but my mom's rule is you only wear white shoes (or pants if you're the daring type) between Easter and Labor Day. Her mom's rule was Memorial Day and Labor Day, which is even less time to rock the light colors. But in recent years the rules have become more relaxed. Cream and eggshells don't count as white, and a few years ago the fashion industry introduced "winter white" as a brazen "f-you" to the old rules.

Some people still have issue with the old rules and new rules. My Mom is convinced that red and pink don't match, but has to concede that my pink shoes with red suede flowers from Chinese Laundry are amazing. And I personally don't wear white before Easter or after Labor Day, but I don't own anything white, so I don't wear it between Easter and Labor Day anyway. I do have a "winter white" (cream) suit with a faux fur collar, but that's only good a few months a year because of the fur, and you have to be careful what business events you wear it to. Not all corporate environments are as fashionably adventurous as I am, and I have had people frown upon faux fur at business events.


Maybe it's because it was fake and they were a bunch of rich, uppity, snobs.

Back to white though. It just proves that the old rules are no longer rules, they're more suggestions, and dare to be defied by the fashion forward.

Shoes are the best place to defy some of these rules because of the great patterns and crazy colors available. I wear my pink and red shoes to the office with hot pink sweaters (and yes, I am constantly referred to as Barbie), but I also wear tweed shoes, plaid shoes, and everything in between.

Regardless of how daring you feel you can be, the basic rules still apply- look in the mirror before you go out and if you look dumb, change. And just because you bought something yesterday or this weekend, doesn't mean you have to wear it immediately. If you do that everyone knows. I love finding those people. It's like seeing their personal grooming habits and getting a peek in their closet.

Sometimes you have to buy an outfit to go with your shoes, and not vice versa. No sense in committing fashion tragedies and making people think you don't own a mirror just because you bought new shoes.

"Oh, look. She bought new shoes yesterday. Too bad she didn't get a top to match them or learn how to walk in them."

We've all seen it. I'm just mean enough to point it out to everyone I'm with.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Killer heels

A friend recently posted a link on Facebook to a website called ifshoescouldkill.com. This is of course amazing, and I immediately had to look, and make mental notes of all the bizarre stuff on there, including the psuedo wearable.

Then I saw a pair of shoes I actually own. Really. Right there on the page were my Iron Fist Zombie Stompers.

Those are shoes that could kill?

I understand that they're zombie print and all, and they have teeth, but really? Compared to the other shoes on the site, they're kind of tame. And if it's about heel height, my Aldo Mary Jane stilettos are way higher. I've even fallen over in those shoes and wrecked myself (in the shoe's defense, I had been drinking).

If all it takes is a killer heel, and some kind of crazy print, I'm sure I have all sorts of crap that could land on this website.

Other shoes on the website aren't even shoes, they're art. And not really wearable art either. 

I wonder if Lady Gaga and I can be friends if we both own these?