Thursday, October 15, 2015

Housebreaking the Kids

I've come to the conclusion that toddlers have a lot in common with pets. Both are entertaining, loving and generally mischievous. Especially the toddlers. 

The second you're not looking is when they get into something, and with twins it's really easy to not have one in your sights at all times, which means someone is into something at all times.

  • One kid is trying to dig in her diaper, so you focus on that one and preventing the impending gross event and the other one is eating a dog treat. 
  • One is running around with a dirty sock in their mouth, and while you’re trying to catch them the other one is chewing on a book. 
  • One has managed to open a container of wipes and is pulling them all out and the other one is dumping out a toybox. 
We may be spending too much time playing
with the dog if this is how we carry toys.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

There’s more too.  One minute they’re all fun and cuddly, and want to sit on your lap, and the next they’re screaming to get down and run around like assholes even though you've told them to stop running 128 times in the last 10 minutes. They come over an randomly drop toys in your lap, spit out food, play with things that aren’t toys, put random shit they find on the floor or ground in their mouth, lick things, lick each other, bite...

Ironically, Thor, my seven year-old Chihuahua is often better behaved than the girls. Initially weary of them he has new friends in them as toddlers. They often chase one another around the living room and the girls bring him his toys so he can play when they play, they share their snacks, taught him how to eat out of a snack cup (which sometimes gets caught on his nose) and they feed him the treats he hides around the house when they find them.

My sister's reaction to this was,
"My cat does the same thing.'
Kids and animals also find something magical about the bathroom, and it’s apparently the toilet. The magical porcelain water holder.  Not so much my dog because he’s short, but my twins have been enchanted with the toilet since they could walk. Of course the immediately want to stick their hand in it and touch it. Then we started introducing the potty so they can get out of diapers as soon as humanly possible, and they understand it flushes and want to say “bye” and wave as the water goes down.

A few weeks ago I was escorting them upstairs for a nap, when S got to the top first and was running around the upstairs, which of course included the bathroom. When I walked in I found her hollering “guck, guck!” as she tossed rubber ducks into the toilet for an afternoon swim. As I cringed, plunged my hand into the toilet to take out said ducks and wonder what the hell has become of my life, D started running around the bathroom waving a dirty Kleenex above her head like a flag.

Seriously kids are so gross. Animals are gross. I have both.  What is wrong with me?

Eventually I know the kids will grow up (be housebroken) and stop putting everything they pick up that looks like it may have at one time been edible into their mouth. They will start actually using their forks instead of just holding it in one hand while shoveling food into their mouth with the other hand, and they will stop shitting their pants and start using the toilet to go to the bathroom and not as a swimming pool for rubber “guks.” And as much as I never ever want to plunge my hand into toilet water again or stick my finger into a mouth to scoop out some mystery object (usually dog treats), even thinking about them being just that much more grown up makes me kind of sad. Luckily I still have that gross dog to drop drool covered toys on me, steal Kleenex from the bathroom trash can, and spit kibble all over the kitchen floor.