Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Athletic heels?

I have a friend who apparently hates me. Sure, she acts like we're friends and all is well, but secretly she can't stand me and wants me to suffer.

Yep, I'm on to her.
I figured all this out when I had a Facebook message yesterday morning that only contained a link. I clicked on the link, seeing as how it was from a friend and all, and then I almost barfed on my keyboard. 

Staring back at me, burning on the screen, was photo after photo of the most hideous shoes I may have ever seen. Those stupid banana clogs on my WTF album are less hideous.

Women's Nike Heels
Apparently Nike has taken it upon themselves to take a reprive from making really hideous, overpriced athletic shoes, and started also making really hideous, overpriced, clown colored athletic heels. And they slapped the name "Jordan" on them, probably in the hope that the retired basketball player still has some market power.

Not if his shoes look like that.

Sure. You can be athletic and wear heels. I assume most people who wear heels probably also own athletic shoes. Even I do (although there's no photo evidence of this). But combining them has to be the stupidest idea ever. If I want to play basketball (which I don't) chances are I'm not going to wear heels. Even if they are made by Nike and are part Jordans.

Some things really should be left alone and not combined into Frankenstein shoes. On the other hand, if you're into sports, heels, clown shoes, and spending over $100 on them, maybe these are the perfect shoe.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The evils of Paris

Every so often a pair of shoes comes along that is unlike anything you can remember. They're beautiful, with slim lines, random and fabulous embellishments, make your legs look incredible...and yet they're inherently evil.

Enter Paris Hilton.

I should have known a snobby, skinny socialite would design shoes that would cripple me. Her logo even alludes to it, with the whole angle/devil motif.

Paris Hilton Women's Destiny Pump,Black Patent,8.5 M US
Dear Paris Hilton shoes,
I hate you.
After spending all day Saturday looking for the perfect peep toes, I gave in and called a friend to borrow a pair of shoes she had that were just what I was looking for. Black patent leather peep toes, and a bow that matched the bow on my dress perfectly. (Yes, I have black peep toes, but it was the bow that made these).

She had warned me that they were uncomfortable. She wore them to her own shower and cursed them daily for a week afterward. She practically bursts into tears at the mention of these shoes as she remembers the pain they caused.

Really, that's got to be an exaggeration. Right?

My toes were smashed and my feet lost feeling before I even sat down for lunch. The majority of the day was spent sitting and yet my feet screamed like I had spent a night traipsing through the concrete jungle with little to no regard for my feet based on consumption of alcoholic numbing agents. By the time everyone left I was ready to pry the shoes off and throw them into the river that ran along the restaurant.

Normally I can put up with an abnormal amount of pain. And I have been blessed with feet that fit well into almost any shoe. My feet aren't wide, or have a particularly high or low arch. The only notable thing about them is that my toes are small, but not really disproportionately so. Overall, I have pretty normal, average feet that are an average size and can put up with an above average amount of punishment.

Apparently I have met my match...and lost.

I guess at almost $100 a pair, Paris's own line of shoes are too "average" for her pampered feet, so she has no idea what kind of hell she's brought to women everywhere.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Corporate Shoe Rule

I am the worst corporate person ever.

Well, not really. Actually I rock at my job. Hard. But I've also always stood out in office settings. Apparently I'm not all button-up and stuffy.

I can be button up, but depending on the outfit I have this uncanny ability to make button-ups look kind of porno. Yep. Take a properly fitted and darted shirt, pair it with a pencil skirt, heels and a D cup and suddenly you've gone from "professional chic" to "naughty secretary." I have a similar problem when I put a vest on with anything.

My version of professional
That said, the litany of meetings requiring honest to goodness professional clothes (ie: button downs, trousers and jackets) has been insane the last couple weeks, and will continue to do so from the looks of things. So while I'm trying to make sure my jacket covers my breasts as opposed to frames them, and that there's no gaping between the shirt buttons, I never took into account that I'm apparently breaking the Corporate Ladies Shoe Rule.

Always wear sensible black pumps.

Reese Pump in Black Sharpshooter Color: Chocolate, Size: 7.5, Width: M
Sensible, but boring.
I was sitting in a meeting of mostly women when I realized that I was one of two people in a room of 30 not wearing black pumps. I was wearing red sling backs and another lady was wearing a snake skin heel. The whole rest of the room was clad in black of varying textures, heel heights and materials. Some ladies got crazy and had a small embellishment on their shoe, but that was it.

Was there some kind of memo I missed? Did I not attend class that day in college? What the hell is with the black pumps?

I have no problem admitting that I own a few pairs of black shoes. One of them even fits into the pump category and is downright boring. They're also hideously uncomfortable and never get worn. Instead I opt for something a little more exciting that coordinates with my outfit. That's how I end up with heeled saddle shoes, stiletto oxfords and black heels with a square toe. They're professional yet retain some elements of fun and fashion.

Or maybe they're not professional.  Like I said, apparently I missed that memo.