Monday, March 29, 2010

Lucky is shopping in my closet

Today on lunch I was looking at the front page of MSN, and an article caught my eye: "Lucky Under $100 Spring Shoe Guide."

I clicked on that link faster than you read it. Shoes under $100?! Please Lucky- tell me what's going to be en vogue this season and where I can get it for under $100.

I frantically clicked through the list becoming more disappointed with each click of the mouse.

  • Platform Mary Janes-Bought them six months ago. I just featured them.
  • Slingback heels- Seriously Lucky? I thought you were supposed to be a shopping magazine on top of trends, not staples. 
  • Pointy toe flats- I don't personally wear flats, but I bought my sister a pair for Christmas.
  • Two strap flat sandals- Again, I don't wear these, but I'm pretty sure sandals have had two straps since the beginning of time. 
  • Cork soled platforms- I have a pair of cork soled slingbacks (two trends in one) that have been worn to death. Literally- I have to throw them out, because they're like two years old and have traipsed all over the city and back.
  • Two tone oxfords- Really? I bought these two years ago as well. I thought they were on their way out.
  • High heeled clogs- Never a good idea, and this will NEVER be in fashion. They even look stupid on the models.
The only conclusion I have come to is that Lucky is stalking my closet and shoe purchases (minus the clogs) and writing sad articles that are six months to two years behind fashion.

Then again, maybe I'm just ahead of the curve.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Animal Attack

When my mom finds a sweater she likes, she then buys it in multiple colors. I never understood it. Then I saw this amazing pair of leopard shoes and found myself wondering, how many pairs of leopard shoes is too many? I think it's a family trait.

I currently have two pair of leopard shoes. One is a pair of Mary Jane style wedges I hate and never wear. They will soon be in a garage sale. Another is a fabulous pair of Steve Madden with a wooden platform and heel and they're made of pony hair! How could those be any cooler?

How about if they have a giant red ruffle on them?

These shoes are so me that I had three people email me photos of them, and I tried to convince a friend to buy them so I can borrow them. She did not bite, and I was really having a hard time justifying this purchase.

So then my thought was that I should find the same shoe with a peep toe, and then it's a totally different look. But then, these aren't horse hair, so it's really not the same shoe.

Calls to friends and a text message to my fiance all went ignored, which is what happens when I ask stupid questions like "Do I need another pair of leopard shoes?"

Silence generally means "no".

A long conversation with a friend over martinis that evening made me feel better about not buying the shoes, because he affirmed that my next leopard shoe purchase should be peep toes, no ruffle, and he recommended that they be horse hair sling-backs.  Maybe it was the vodka martinis, and maybe my bizarre love of leopard shoes, or shoes that can also be pet, but that sounds like a great idea.

Then again, maybe I should switch to zebra prints for a little while.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A peep of impracticality

The snow in Chicago is almost gone.

Really. Almost. Sure, there are still some huge piles of dirt covered snow in the corners of streets and parking lots that's now showing leaves, lost gloves, trash and possibly a partially decayed, partially frozen small mammal, and yes, the piles of snow get grosser every day, but they're also getting smaller every day.

The new lack of snow opens up a whole world of options regarding footwear, in particular, peep toes. And even more exciting than the regular peep-toe; there's the world of the bizarre peep-toe-boot.

A boot, with that little peek-a-boo tip. It's a little rock and roll, and a little insane. I bought my first pair after running into them in Bakers and falling in love. Amazing. They were leather, mid-calf, platform stilettos with a silver-studded rose adorning one side. Really, who would not need these shoes?

As I was teetering around the store with cold toes and warm calves I realized something: These shoes are completely impractical.

Now I have a long, long relationship with impractical shoes, and like any good shoe lover I can figure out a way to make them practical and worth the money.

Gold metallic boots- they go with that leopard skirt
Fluevogs- Sure, they're an investment in my shoe future
Gold pumps- you would actually be surprised how often you wear them
Hot pink slingbacks with a red suede rose on the toe- I had to buy stuff to go with them, but they have served me well

I could continue this insane list, but then what future entries would I have?

But that day I really couldn't come up with a reason to drop $100+ on these boots. Sure, they were amazing, but they were not work appropriate, you can barely walk in them, and they can only be worn with things that are above the calf and they have a giant leather rose on them.

So I walked out and did what every self-respecting woman does when leaving something she loves- I obsessed. And not just a normal obsession, but one that involved stalking them online on my lunch and bookmarking the page so I could look at them.

Then the unimaginable happened.  They sold out.

It was horrible. All I could think about was the awful, unfashionable people who bought those boots. I bet they were wearing them with long skirts, or hiding the beautiful tops under jeans. And they were probably ugly. Yes. Everyone who bought those shoes was ugly- and I must save the shoes and find them so they have a cute, fashionable owner.

In my panic I started searching the style name, and style number, and other websites. Everywhere- and everywhere I went I hit the little drop down to size 7 and got the same message: SOLD OUT.

I was obviously in shoe hell. This is what it would be like. A world full of cute shoes and they all only come in a 10.

Finally, after the 380th website, success. They had them, in my size. So I whipped out the plastic and typed in the numbers, my address, and I'm pretty sure I ordered a second pair of shoes off the site to celebrate my success and get free shipping.

Five to seven business days later they arrived at my house in their nice, neat little box. They smelled like leather and the studs were cold to the touch. I walked around the house in them all evening, just loving the feel of them, promising to love them forever.

Since then I have worn then maybe three times. They're just not that practical, but damn do they look nice in my closet.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Gaga for Fashion

Late last night I was rotting around in front of the TV and saw the preview for the Lady Gaga and Beyonce video, Telephone. I decided to not move, and watch this very hyped and "scandalous" (thank you Ryan Seacrest) video.

It was AMAZING. Well directed, tongue in cheek with great dancing and even better costumes.

I should probably mention that as a child of the '80s I'm totally a sucker for a good music video, and I love Lady Gaga (which is my dirty little secret), and I love her fashion and wish I could dress like her. Plus Quentin Tarantino lent a hand on the video, which was awesome and immediately noted. And I love costumes. I would wear sequins, glitter and feathers all the time, but it's frowned upon at the office.

I do love Gaga's costumes, especially in this video. I would wrap myself in police tape (which was designer) and parade around in an amazing pair of shoes if I had 0% body fat like her.

Which brings me to the shoes, that were amazingly rocked by Beyonce. They had what looks like buttons all over them. I have been looking all over the web for a good picture of her shoes, and have not been able to find one. (See the best picture I could find to the right) They were designed by Jean Charles de  Castelbajac, who has great designs, but a website I can't read (because its in French) and has a picture of a half naked girl with a pirate eye patch and a bird.

I'm totally sold on this guy. Pirates, parrots and topless women. It has nothing to do with fashion, but I love it.

So now I'm on a mission to find the button shoes and spend my life savings on them. Which may not sound like a good idea, but then I would be really skinny because I can't afford to eat, but my shoes will continue to fit because shoes love you like that.

I wonder if they will go with police tape?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Bars should not be anti-heel

There are some places on this earth you just shouldn't wear heels to. Hiking, ball games, picnics, the park. As much as I hate to admit it, there are places where they just don't make any damn sense, and generally I have something to accommodate the situation while still being fashionable.

Bars should not be one of those places, but low and behold, I have found the anti-heels bar- 115 Bourbon Street.

Now before judging me, let me just tell you it's not a place I frequent. It's far from my home, and generally sucks, but my fiance's neighborhood reunion was being hosted there, and so we attended, both dressed as if it's a regular Saturday night, which inevitably includes heels. That evening's choice being Aldo Mary Jane patent leather and suede stilettos.

So in I walk, with my stiletto swagger and little butt shake that can only be accomplished in a pair of sky-high heels and pencil skirt, and this damn place stopped me dead in my size 7 tracks. I was staring at flagstone- inside. So we walk in to find it's not just flagstone, there's also cobblestone and brick, which all looks like it was laid by someone who was hitting the bottle during the project.

As if pushing through thousands of swaying, drunk people isn't challenging enough, they had to make every floor in every room uneven and full of nooks and crannies. The bar should have a warning about the floor (and the lack of fashion generally found inside). If I was aware that it was OK to wear jeans and a  beer-stained sweatshirt there...well, I still wouldn't have worn one, but you get the idea.

Aren't bars supposed to be the place where you get all dressed up and look your best so you can drink too much and stagger around making googly eyes at unsuspecting prospects? Or have a night out with the girls, where you spend two hours getting ready to dance and whoop it up all night? (Admittedly I don't fit into either category, but I also don't got to bars like this, so cut me some slack).

 I can't even count the number of times I almost fell over, where I would have undoubtedly been trampled by dirty sneakers and people in ill fitting clothes.

Who would do this? Why would you design a bar so blatantly hazardous and anti-fashion? That coupled with the fact that it took 20 minutes to get a drink, made the night almost a total waste of good shoes. Luckily we had some good company, and my fiance was able to reconnect with old friends, while I made some new friends, who all loved my shoes.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I would die

Last night I went to see The Crazies, the remake of the old George Romero film, which is not much like the original (which I have apparently seen at a film fest but don't remember it).

It's a great psuedo-zombie film where people in a small Iowa town start going absolutely bonkers and killing each other with no provocation. Lots of running, shooting and bleeding ensues, and I'll stop there before I spoil the movie.

So there's lots of running and walking, and since they're in Iowa, a lot of it is cornfields and deserted highway. At one point the characters are running through some open dirt field, and I came to a conclusion: if that was me, I'd die.

Not die because I didn't want to live, or because I was in the middle of Corn Town, Iowa and can't find a reason to keep living in the middle of nowhere, but because I'd probably fall over and die. Really. I would be wearing some asinine shoe and fall over, not be able to run, break my ankle, something. Point being, I would not be able to run and I would be eaten by zombies. Just like the ones on my shoes.

Maybe I would be eaten by zombies while wearing my zombie shoes. That would be kinda cool.

But really, when is the last time someone survived a horror film that involved running (and they all involve running) and had cute shoes on. Usually they're pre-outfitted in something sensible like a combat boot and jeans, or minimally a pair of Nike. In horror films you don't even see people wearing those cute gym shoes that you can't wear to the gym because the have no support and aren't really meant for athletics. 

Let's hope zombies never attack, because chances are me and my stilettos won't make it.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My pride and joy

I have lots of shoes. Really, I mean lots. And just like children, I love them all equally, and some days some more more favorite than others.

Today I rocked the Fluevogs, which are my one and only pair, (which is why there's no further description) and they are once again my favorite child.

Now maybe I really do just look cute today. I'm rocking a fitted, black cap sleeve sweater and argyle skirt with black tights...and the Fluevogs. People have stopped me in the hall, the lunchroom, the bathroom, one even came into my office, just to tell me they like my outfit and the shoes are amazing.

Notice the last part. The shoes are amazing. Not the sweater, that goes with anything. The skirt, cute, but professional. But the shoes. Oh man. These shoes are fabulous. Traffic stopping fabulous.

True story. Someone once stopped me in the street to tell me how amazing these shoes were.

I guess that's good because a few years ago I spent my whole bonus check to buy them from the John Fleuvog store in Wicker Park. I could have spent the money on something better, like bills or rent, but I had to have these shoes.

Seems it was the best shoe-investment ever. I really should start buying more Fluevogs in lieu of rent and bills.

These should be my next purchase from this genius designer

Monday, March 1, 2010

With Teeth

There is no better feeling than finding a shoe that is so crazy, so over-the-top that no one else would wear it. At least not for a regular occasion anyway. Behold: shoes with teeth!

I got the Zombie Stomper Platforms a few months ago (seriously, that's what they're called), and have found only one occasion to wear them so far. Then again, it's also been winter in Chicago, and that's not the best time to go running around the city in open-toed platforms. The Wolfbeater Platform I found online and ordered immediately, terrified they wouldn't have my size or there would suddenly be a run on shoes with bloody teeth on the top.

While I haven't really been able to justify wearing either of these shoes to the office, I am sure they will come in handy two or three times this summer when I go out to non-conservative, non-family events.

Both shoes are made by Iron Fist, and the sizing is a little odd. They run about a half size too big, but don't come in half sizes, so you have to either figure out how to fill that half size with inserts or something, or go my preferred route and jam your foot into the smaller size and ignore the pain.

As a quick side note, I have also been told I have freakishly small toes, so a smaller size works fine for me. It may not work so well if you have normal feet, or long monkey toes.

And for those of you who care, the shoes are also noted as being vegan, which would be fines, except that I don't care if my shoes are leather or not as long as they're cute. Vegan is also just a really nice way of saying they're plastic, but really, what would you expect from shoes that have bloody teeth and eyes on them. I don't care what they are, I just call it love.