Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Chunky Shoes. No Pants

Much ado has been made of Miley Cyrus twerking all over Robin Thicke and being all provocative, wearing latex underpants, how her butt is flat, whether she has an eating disorder or not, and all kinds of other crazy nonsense.

I would like to get past her Night at the Roxbury moment to Blurred Lines, ignore her lousy song and
This is all kinds of awkward. 
lack of dancing, that weird furry themed number, and her attempt to shock people, and instead focus on her shoes.

The girl paired creepers with latex.

I have nothing against creepers or latex. They both have their time and place, and can look great if worn appropriately. But not together. In fact, I’m pretty sure the entire latex wearing fetish community all gasped and clutched their pearls when they saw her ill-fitting bikini thing (and that color) and creepers.

Let me tell you what’s not sexy. Dancing around in a pair of big, clunky shoes and no pants.

Creepers are great when paired with jeans. If you’re going Rockabilly, then that is your go-to shoe. Men and women can wear them with ease, and they even have varying levels of platform for those who are looking for a little more lift. Cuff a dark pant for a classic look, or pair them with skinny jeans to update the shoe. But if you’re going to wear latex and dance around trying to be sexy (cause I think that was the point), then for the love of all things holy, put on a pair of heels.

Really, you can't wear big girl shoes?
Maybe it’s a generational thing. Kristen Stewart is known for pairing sneakers with dresses on the red carpet. Apparently all that Twilight money can’t buy class or make her act like an adult or a lady. Lilly Allen is another one who hit the red carpet with sneakers under her couture. Hailee Steinfeld did too, but she’s a child, and it was an after-party, so she gets a pass (and I expect to see her in heels by age 18).

Heels aren’t the only option either.  Some women wear dress flats quite well to red carpet events. And when it comes to dancing, heels aren’t always practical, and there are a variety of dance shoes available that don’t have heels, and don’t look atrocious. Madonna has rocked the hell out of some over the years, and always looks amazing.

Then again, ironically, Madonna usually has on more clothes than Miley did at the VMAs.

Personally I blame her stylist, who really should have either not done that, or steered her in a different direction. Hopefully next time she decides to dance around almost naked with her tongue hanging out she can put on some big girl shoes (it’ll do wonders for her butt) or she can stick with the comfy creepers and just put on some pants.  

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Please Leave the '90s in the Past

The '90s are apparently now vintage and cool and have come back in a way to make me feel old and wonder if I'm vintage too. It also makes me wonder just who the hell thought this was a good idea.

Can we make sure this never
happens again?
Sure, I was awesome in the '90s with my goth attire, knee high combat-style boots (that had a heel), music store job (that paid for shit but was all Empire Records), and all my money went to hanging out with friends and buying new clothes and shoes (and the aforementioned CDs). But let's not forget that while I was awesome, the '90s is also what brought us body glitter, Spice World, that horrid shiny lame fabric in bizarre colors, and the Backstreet Boys. 

If you loved the Backstreet Boys and wore body glitter I'm pretty sure we hung out in very different crowds. 

Pretty sure I actually owned these
but they were black and white.


The '90s also brought us a massive void in good shoes. For some reason the classic pump went off and retired to a beach somewhere for a decade, and we were stuck with chunky heeled dress shoes of the worst variety. Even the classic Mary jane got corrupted at times, creating a fine line between Courtney Love and creepy baby doll. Paired with the shorter skirts of the late '90s they did nothing but make even the skinniest woman look like her legs were about five pounds heavier.

When coupled with the severely square or exaggeratedly round toes that were so in, it created a look of wearing cement blocks on your feet instead of actual footwear. 

Luckily it faded away and everyone forgot about bad shoes and questionable fabrics, and instead focused on the tanking economy, their house being underwater, and classic pumps.  Now the economy is improving, housing is back, pumps are still classic, and there's a renewed obsession with Clueless and the '90s. Including their shoes. 

This is not a good thing.
My sister sent me a picture from DSW the other day that was an in-store sign touting the '90s revival. True to the '90s the shoes in the display were all heavy, chunky heeled shoes that will make anyone look more bottom-heavy than any shoe should. 

We agreed this was a bad idea and she should continue to shop for the perfect nude heels and not get swept up into the horror that they have put on display at stores across the country. 

In fact, I think all of you, dear readers, should also promise the same thing. Sure, you can watch Clueless for the 942nd time, be nostalgic and wear some pink or gold lame, even break out the body glitter and have a Romy and Michele moment in your own home (because it's awesome when they dance), but please, please do not give in to the chunky heel. They may work on boots and men's shoes, but for dress shoes, it's a look better left in past decades. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Blurred Lines Bulls*#t

Robin Thicke is so damn hot that when he’s around women’s clothes just fly off.

Or at least that’s what it seems if you watch his extremely NSFW video for the hit song “Blurred
The clear vinyl is kind of cool. 
Lines” (and a woman at work who saw him live said that's pretty true).

There are two versions of the video (as I’m sure everyone now knows), and while one of them has girls prancing around in white outfits, the second one has them stripped down to their thong panties and prancing around.

I would like to call bullshit and have a word with the video’s stylist.

First, clothes or no clothes, the shoes these women are wearing are atrocious. They’re all channeling Baby Spice and the laste ‘90s with chunky platform gym shoes that were a bad idea back then. They’re also a really, really bad idea when you’re naked.

If you’re going to wear shoes with lingerie, please make sure it’s a pair of stilettos. (Seriously, why am I explaining this?) They don’t have to have platforms or be sky high, just enough to lift your butt, elongate your leg and make you sexy. And if you can’t walk in them, it doesn’t even matter most of the
Seriously, where do you find those shoes and who chose them?
time.

What’s not sexy with lingerie? Gym shoes. No one ever put girls in gym shoes and panties on the cover of Playboy or Maxim, and I really wish Robin Thicke hadn’t let someone do it to the women in his video.

Also not sexy, the really, really high waisted, beige thong underpants they’re wearing. They remind me of the panties showgirls wear because it’s the only thing that doesn’t show under their costume. I mean, why not white panties? In the edited video they were wearing white clothes, so why not keep going with that. And have a couple different styles so they flatter each model (boy shorts, thong, brief). Then pair it with some heels.

Now you’ve got a sexy video.

I bet you thought this was going to be all about how he shouldn’t have naked women in his video, or they’re being exploited or something like that. Too bad. I’m not really worried about that. In fact, I think the video is pretty funny. 


Monday, August 5, 2013

Children in Heels

When it comes to kids, especially girls, getting into more adult things like makeup, often people ask
These are for children.
“How young is too young?” Now apparently we find ourselves asking that about heels.

Are heels OK for a child to wear?

As soon as this question comes up, people automatically talk about Suri Cruise and her high heeled shoes. I would like to take a moment and point out that Suri isn’t a normal child, and nothing she does, now or ever, should be considered normal. The child of an arguably insane father and a mother who only recently started looking like an adult (seriously she looked 16 until she was like 30), the kid was born into more money than God and will never be “normal.”

Let’s not use Hollywood’s children as a fashion barometer. That’s a really slippery slope.

I know adults who won't wear wedges
this high. 
Regardless of whether or not heels on a child who only recently stopped crapping their pants seems somewhat strange to me. Aside from the whole Toddlers and Tiaras nonsense, do we really need wedges for our first grader? Or how about a two-inch stiletto heel for little Sally to wear during the school Christmas program?

I’m going to come right out and say it. No, we don’t need this and this whole phenomenon is weird. And I'm not talking about chunky, one-inch heels like on a kids dress shoe. We're talking pumps for your third-grader. 

I get that little girls want high heels. I was no different. I used to jam my feet into my mother’s heels and shuffle around the house in them, wearing costume jewelry and convinced that when I wore them I was the most beautiful person in the world.  My little sister got to go one step further and had “her wuby wed swippers” (and a slight speech impediment) that she wore all over the house. Made of red, glittery plastic with a modest dress up shoe heel she thought they were the most beautiful thing in the world.

Regardless of how we felt about our amazing heels, when it came time to leave the house we could keep on the scarves and costume jewelry, but the shoes had to be changed. Kids in heels simply isn’t practical when you’re going to the grocery store.

Then there’s the whole argument (that no one seems to be having) about what heels on kids are doing
This happens every time my niece
gets around my heels. 
to their feet. I’m not a kid and constantly get people telling me about how heels are ruining my feet, and I’m going to get x, y or z ailment and wait until I’m old. What do heels do to feet that aren’t done growing? Are we built for a lifetime in heels? 

I’m no podiatrist, but I’m going out on a limb here and saying no.

I’m not anti-heel, or anti-dress up. It cracks me up when my niece puts on my shoes and shuffles around in them, or when she tells me that she’s going to get shoes like Glitter Barbie and me one day. (Seriously, I have that on video). And one day I promise I will take her out and buy her the most ridiculous, ankle risking stripper heels that her heart desires. But not until she’s done growing, her mom won’t do call me yelling (so probably never), and she can walk in them. Until then she, and little girls everywhere, should just go on playing dress-up, and leave the heels to the adults.

Heels aren’t very good for playing outside in anyway.

The Today Show discussed this as well. If you want to hear a really boring conversation about kids in heels, you can click here