Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Shoe porn and barefeet

The other day I got a text from my brother-in-law. It said Vibram FiveFingers and then a link.

Now, maybe there's something wrong with me, but my immediate thought was, "Why am I getting porn SPAM from the BIL?" Then I realized that texts aren't SPAM, and there's no way he'd send me porn (because that's weird) and it had to be something else. So I took a deep breath and clicked on the link.

I'm pretty sure I would have rather seen porn.

Instead there are pictures of people's feet adorned in those awful hobbit feet, rubber shoe things. Which I guess are kind of like porn because they're obscene looking, and kind of like a foot condom.

I must have taken a while because then he sent a text, "Cat in fingers?"

Ummm...no. I understand it's the closest thing to being barefoot, and that's good, and it's anatomically correct, and designer shoes are still more expensive and definitely not as comfy, but the fact remains that they're just not cute.

No one is going to go rolling into a cocktail party with those things paired with a suit or dress. They may help save your feet (of which you only get two I was reminded), but that's no excuse for looking like a neon hobbit. In fact, a couple months ago I got into a Facebook discussion with a friend when I posted a picture of someone at the bus stop wearing them (ironically with a suit). It was hideous and scarring, and I hope to never see it again.

So you can take your anatomical shoes with their individual toes. I won't stand in your way, but I may make fun of you. And if I ever feel the need to be barefoot, I'll just take off my heels.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Somebody's watchin' you

I love watching people. What they wear, their mannerisms, habits, nervous twitches. And even more amazing is how people act when they think no one is watching. This is when you see the nose pickers, face makers, eye rollers, nail biters, and on and on.

Today I encountered another breed of it. The casual from the waist down people.

I work in an office where the vast majority of us spend our time sitting behind desks, typing, talking on phones and shuffling papers. The dress code is business casual, which leaves a lot open for interpretation.

At one point today I was running around and noticed that not only are there those who push the "casual" part of "business casual" but there are also those who look great from the waist up, and the bottom half looks like they got dressed out of the hamper in the dark.

It's like the clothing version of the mullet.

This extends all the way down to the shoes (despite there being rules on footwear as well). Dirty gym shoes, flip flops, crocs.... In one trip through two floors I saw just about every shoe monstrosity that's out there, and none of which are in the dress code. There may have even been some new ones committed that I was too horrified to remember.

I understand that running papers around or chasing down the mail guy is hard in a pair of heels, but that doesn't mean you should look like you're getting ready to run a marathon with a button down on.

Just because you sit at a desk doesn't mean you can't ever come out from behind it. Minimally you'll have to be free of the atrocity-hiding desk and computer to leave at the end of the day (assuming you don't eat or use the bathroom all day), and people will see you. And they will judge you.

Always dress and act like someone is watching. They may be.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Tying one on

Yesterday I was picking my shoes out of the closet and realized I was wearing shoes with bows two days in a row. Not the same shoes, mind you. Two different pair of shoes, in different color schemes, with different types of bows, but still bows.

I was then that I looked around and realized just how many pairs or shoes I have with bows. Some have them on the front, Iron Fist has them on the back. One pair has a small bow above a leather tassle/fringe. Still another pair ties in big giant bows and remind me of tap shoes. Really tall, kind of club kid tap shoes...but the overall feel is there.

Then I realized that I was also stalking bow shoes. There's the Louboutin's on my Facebook page, and the mint green ones that Pin-Up Girl Clothing just started offering (I don't currently have mint green shoes). I even sent my sister a link to a pair of Betsey Johnson peep toes with a bow that I thought she would like.

I think I'm developing a sickness. I should really start focusing on leopard prints again. Or studs. Something. I think I need more diversity in my shoes. Then again, at least I know what I like. 

And by the way, today makes day three of only wearing shoes with bows.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Manolos, and other things I don't have for my wedding

Today in the states you can't turn on any show or open a website or a newspaper, or answer a phone call from my mom without hearing about Chelsea Clinton's New York wedding. The Vera Wang dress, unadorned veil, Hillary's dress (and how Mom thinks the tulips on the bottom made her look shorter) and buses of politicians and socialites.

Access Hollywood gave an overview of her whole outfit all the way down to Chelsea's shoes. They were supposedly Manolo platform peep toe, but I can't find a picture of them anywhere. But at 6:30 pm,  there is Billy Bush on TV waxing on about how unique they were.

Really Billy Bush? I have platform peep toes spilling out of my closet in droves, and I'm pretty sure Manolo Blahnik and every other designer in the world has been creating and selling them for years. This is hardly a new shoe style for weddings or otherwise. But now that Chelsea has worn them it's going to be all the rage.

Stupid Chelsea and her damn wedding. This girl spent more on toilets for her guests than my whole wedding is costing.

Actually I'm pretty sure she personally didn't spend anything on the wedding. Toilets or otherwise.

So her having Manolo's is no surprise, but it happened the same day I found out that the pink glitter platform peep toe from Pin Up Girl Clothing that I have been on the wait list for are no longer available. And I can't find the pink sequin Louboutin's I wanted. All the pink shoes  I liked are now missing, or uglier than I remember, and everywhere I look seems to think brides can only wear white shoes.

Bridal traditions be damned. I will find Material Girl pink shoes to match my bridesmaids. Although at this rate it may take me all the way up to the wedding. 

In the meantime I'll wait by the phone for Mom's phone call to get the full report on her shoes and other wedding details she thinks are interesting. And maybe I won't have designer shoes or a Vera Wang wedding dress, but at least my guests will have indoor plumbing.