Friday, November 6, 2015

Sounding Crazy

Daylight savings time is nothing to parents. Except maybe a pain in the ass. It’s just another day where things are all screwed up from the first squawk out of the baby monitor, which is an hour earlier than they normally wake up no matter what kind of crazy voodoo you’ve been trying to work the previous week to make sure they’re on a schedule.

This year was particularly bad on Sunday. Maybe it was a Halloween hangover or something, but I walked in the twins’ room and S, who is the Houdini of diapers, is rocking the deep v Elvis look and I marvel at how cute she is before realizing the reason she looks like that is because she has figured out how to work zippers overnight and taken her wet diaper off.

What the hell is she doing?
The whole day pretty much stayed on that trajectory and I found myself saying some really insane things.

“Stop coloring on your sister.”
“Why is there ham on the dog?”
“Who pooped?”
“Did you seriously just poop in the tub?” (She did. My bathroom has never been cleaner).
“No, you cannot play with dirty Kleenex.” (This was said to a kid and the dog).
“What the hell are you doing? Quit playing with the mower.”
“Stop kissing the Welcome mat.”
“Where is your diaper?”
“Fine, be naked.”
"That's not hugging, it's choking."

Who am I? I can't decide if I sound like a crazy person, a mother, or my mother. Those last three may be all the same thing (love you mom).

Parenting is fun. I think. Maybe I'm just tired and delirious.  I would like that hour of sleep back that they robbed me of. And also maybe a drink.


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