Saturday, August 17, 2013

Please Leave the '90s in the Past

The '90s are apparently now vintage and cool and have come back in a way to make me feel old and wonder if I'm vintage too. It also makes me wonder just who the hell thought this was a good idea.

Can we make sure this never
happens again?
Sure, I was awesome in the '90s with my goth attire, knee high combat-style boots (that had a heel), music store job (that paid for shit but was all Empire Records), and all my money went to hanging out with friends and buying new clothes and shoes (and the aforementioned CDs). But let's not forget that while I was awesome, the '90s is also what brought us body glitter, Spice World, that horrid shiny lame fabric in bizarre colors, and the Backstreet Boys. 

If you loved the Backstreet Boys and wore body glitter I'm pretty sure we hung out in very different crowds. 

Pretty sure I actually owned these
but they were black and white.

The '90s also brought us a massive void in good shoes. For some reason the classic pump went off and retired to a beach somewhere for a decade, and we were stuck with chunky heeled dress shoes of the worst variety. Even the classic Mary jane got corrupted at times, creating a fine line between Courtney Love and creepy baby doll. Paired with the shorter skirts of the late '90s they did nothing but make even the skinniest woman look like her legs were about five pounds heavier.

When coupled with the severely square or exaggeratedly round toes that were so in, it created a look of wearing cement blocks on your feet instead of actual footwear. 

Luckily it faded away and everyone forgot about bad shoes and questionable fabrics, and instead focused on the tanking economy, their house being underwater, and classic pumps.  Now the economy is improving, housing is back, pumps are still classic, and there's a renewed obsession with Clueless and the '90s. Including their shoes. 

This is not a good thing.
My sister sent me a picture from DSW the other day that was an in-store sign touting the '90s revival. True to the '90s the shoes in the display were all heavy, chunky heeled shoes that will make anyone look more bottom-heavy than any shoe should. 

We agreed this was a bad idea and she should continue to shop for the perfect nude heels and not get swept up into the horror that they have put on display at stores across the country. 

In fact, I think all of you, dear readers, should also promise the same thing. Sure, you can watch Clueless for the 942nd time, be nostalgic and wear some pink or gold lame, even break out the body glitter and have a Romy and Michele moment in your own home (because it's awesome when they dance), but please, please do not give in to the chunky heel. They may work on boots and men's shoes, but for dress shoes, it's a look better left in past decades. 

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