Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Cow walking

I am a woman of many talents. I can bake, write, wear thing other people only dream about, do 50 things at one time, throw one hell of a party, and walk in just about any kind of shoe while doing any of the aforementioned activities.

Those who lack the ability to walk in heels often do what my snarky friends and I have deemed the "cow walk." They lumber forward, their upper body at a slant forward or backwards as if they're about to tip over, knees bent, stomping one foot in front of the other, as if punishing the shoes.

It's sort of like watching the Jolly Green Giant in drag.

In all honesty I'm not sure what's so hard about walking in heels. I've been doing it since I could scuffle around my parent's room in my mom's shoes. Once I started buying them for myself I started small, and gradually built on height. I'm not sure when I started wearing things that only have platforms, and 4-5 inch heels became the norm, but that's exactly what happened.

Only once have I blanched the the height of a heel, and it was so out of control I felt like I was on stilts. The shoes were probably meant for something, but walking was definitely not it.

The trick to walking in heels is to walk like you're wearing a flat shoe. Heel to toe, roll through the foot, switch legs, repeat, and pretty soon you're walking. Add a little wiggle to the walk and paired with the right outfit, you can rule the world.

Other times heels can be nasty if you've been on your feet all day. Couple that with an indulgence in some adult beverages it can get a little tricky, but then at least if you eat shit on the concrete in front of a bunch of people you can blame the sky high shoes and a crack in the sidewalk and not the five gin martinis you just polished off for dinner.

No one is going to judge you for not wearing heels that make your legs look nine feet long and instead opting for shoes that are more sensible, while still being fashionable. But even after all those martinis, people will still judge if you're doing the cow walk. Especially if it's in a pair of animal print shoes.

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