This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am not an outdoorsy person.
I'll give you a moment to collect yourself and move on.
It's not that I don't like the outdoors. It's fine. Pretty open spaces, sunsets (and sunrises), trees, animals, nature... I like it all, just not near me or on me.
The paved urban jungle I call home is plenty of nature for me. We have birds that aren't afraid of anything, squirrels that will bum cigarettes off you and rats that can open garbage cans and are larger than my dog. There's dirt and stuff in the city, but I try my darnedest to keep it all off me. I don't even garden. I tried once, ruined a manicure and ended up with a dead plant in less than a week.
Domesticity fail. Traditionally nature, manicures, dry clean only clothes and heels don't go together anyway. Not that people don't keep trying though.
The latest try has Teva has teamed up with Grey Ant to try and bring the prissy people outside to commune with nature and fuck up their manicures by creating a Teva stiletto.
Apparently hiking, rock climbing and even mowing the lawn is fashionable when you Velcro these to your feet. Then when you're done you can slip on a dress for cocktail hour and be on your way.
Right....
And I imagine that no matter what they claim, the likelihood of twisting your ankle or knee rock climbing and hiking in these is just as high as it is if you wear a pair of Jimmy Choos to rock climb, which no one would ever do. Also, please note they MUST be worn with socks. At least according to every picture released by the company. And we all know how I feel about socks with sandals and/or heels.
There were suggestions that they were made to be ironic, which would be fine if they weren't widely available. Designers do goofy shit like that all the time (lobster shoes?), but they don't put that stuff in the stores for innocent eyes to see and the wealthy to purchase.
Wealthy? Tevas? They're no longer for granola-crunching hippies with their $330 price tag.
Wow, ugly and expensive. How else could this go wrong? Oh right, you're hiking in stilettos. Enjoy that broken ankle with your jacked up manicure.
I'll give you a moment to collect yourself and move on.
It's not that I don't like the outdoors. It's fine. Pretty open spaces, sunsets (and sunrises), trees, animals, nature... I like it all, just not near me or on me.
The paved urban jungle I call home is plenty of nature for me. We have birds that aren't afraid of anything, squirrels that will bum cigarettes off you and rats that can open garbage cans and are larger than my dog. There's dirt and stuff in the city, but I try my darnedest to keep it all off me. I don't even garden. I tried once, ruined a manicure and ended up with a dead plant in less than a week.
Domesticity fail. Traditionally nature, manicures, dry clean only clothes and heels don't go together anyway. Not that people don't keep trying though.
 |
| Because this looks safe and fashionable.... |
Apparently hiking, rock climbing and even mowing the lawn is fashionable when you Velcro these to your feet. Then when you're done you can slip on a dress for cocktail hour and be on your way.
Right....
And I imagine that no matter what they claim, the likelihood of twisting your ankle or knee rock climbing and hiking in these is just as high as it is if you wear a pair of Jimmy Choos to rock climb, which no one would ever do. Also, please note they MUST be worn with socks. At least according to every picture released by the company. And we all know how I feel about socks with sandals and/or heels.
There were suggestions that they were made to be ironic, which would be fine if they weren't widely available. Designers do goofy shit like that all the time (lobster shoes?), but they don't put that stuff in the stores for innocent eyes to see and the wealthy to purchase.
Wealthy? Tevas? They're no longer for granola-crunching hippies with their $330 price tag.
Wow, ugly and expensive. How else could this go wrong? Oh right, you're hiking in stilettos. Enjoy that broken ankle with your jacked up manicure.
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