Friday, December 3, 2010

Hiking heels

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am not an outdoorsy person.

I'll give you a moment to collect yourself and move on.

It's not that I don't like the outdoors. It's fine. Pretty open spaces, sunsets (and sunrises), trees, animals, nature... I like it all, just not near me or on me.

The paved urban jungle I call home is plenty of nature for me. We have birds that aren't afraid of anything, squirrels that will bum cigarettes off you and rats that can open garbage cans and are larger than my dog. There's dirt and stuff in the city, but I try my darnedest to keep it all off me. I don't even garden. I tried once,  ruined a manicure and ended up with a dead plant in less than a week.

Domesticity fail. Traditionally nature, manicures, dry clean only clothes and heels don't go together anyway. Not that people don't keep trying though.

Because this looks safe and fashionable....
The latest try has Teva has teamed up with Grey Ant to try and bring the prissy people outside to commune with nature and fuck up their manicures by creating a Teva stiletto.

Apparently hiking, rock climbing and even mowing the lawn is fashionable when you Velcro these to your feet. Then when you're done you can slip on a dress for cocktail hour and be on your way.


And I imagine that no matter what they claim, the likelihood of twisting your ankle or knee rock climbing and hiking in these is just as high as it is if you wear a pair of Jimmy Choos to rock climb, which no one would ever do. Also, please note they MUST be worn with socks. At least according to every picture released by the company. And we all know how I feel about socks with sandals and/or heels.

There were suggestions that they were made to be ironic, which would be fine if they weren't widely available. Designers do goofy shit like that all the time (lobster shoes?), but they don't put that stuff in the stores for innocent eyes to see and the wealthy to purchase.

Wealthy? Tevas? They're no longer for granola-crunching hippies with their $330 price tag.

Wow, ugly and expensive. How else could this go wrong? Oh right, you're hiking in stilettos. Enjoy that broken ankle with your jacked up manicure.


dc said...

These are perfect for those insane bitches I see hiking in heels. Yes, I do see them. There's a canyon near me in LA that has a fire access road running through it--it's a very, very popular hiking spot/dog park. And I have seen crazy LA women walking up that access road in heels. Yes, it's not true hiking out in the wilderness, but you are still trudging up a dusty canyon, with trees and wildlife and dogs and dirt. It's not like this road is well-paved, either--it's a hodgepodge of super old pavement and dirt, and it erodes more and more each year (after a big rain, there are usually sandbags and warnings posted because sections of it fall away). Anyway, my point is, those bitches are crazy. Buy some effing sneakers if you're gonna hike.

Cat said...

People actually hike in heels? That is insane. But if you ever see someone hiking in these, please send a picture.