Jelly Monsters

When I was little I had a pair of jelly shoes, and they were the most beautiful things in the world. They were purple peep toes with lace lining so the lace showed through the purple tinted plastic.

In my child’s mind these were the best shoes I would ever own, second only to the black patent leather shoes with bows on them that I got at Christmas. Then I got a little older, jelly shoes went out of style, plastic shoes stopped being a thing, and the world progressed.

Now apparently we have regressed, because everywhere I go I find plastic shoes peeping out from shelves in almost every store. And while these aren’t the jellies of childhood, they’re not much better, although the price would like you to think otherwise.

Heels should not be made of plastic

Sometimes referred to as vegan these new adult jelly shoes are riding the trends all the way into your closet, and taking up some valuable real estate. While they are technically vegan, so are plenty of other shoes that don’t revel in looking like cheap plastic crap. These look like plastic, smell like plastic, and probably wear like plastic (which is to say not well at all), so why are they all over?

Some of them even go so far as to mold cheap-looking plastic heels onto the back, making high-heeled jelly shoes. I’m sure that’s the dream come true of six-year-olds everywhere. Personally I think it’s more of a nightmare.

Pretty jeweled jellies that will make your feet stink

The argument here isn’t even vegan vs. leather, because I could give a shit either way. It’s the fact that they’re plastic crap being passed off as fashion.

The last time I saw that was when vinyl pants were all the rage.

A note to the clueless; obviously plastic has never been at the height of fashion. Shoes, pants, rain slickers. Whatever. You don't see it on the runways in Milan and London year after year. And as far as shoes go, they’re also not comfortable. They don’t breathe, they chafe, your feet sweat. Sure they’re waterproof, but so are rain boots, and they’re at least functional. These glorified jelly shoes even come with vents in them.

Vents people. Vents. Like a house or car. 

Let’s just rest for a second and all vow to never wear shoes that require vents to keep them from getting all steamed up.

Maybe I’ve simply lost my childish edge in that I can no longer see the delight in wearing plastic, candy colored footwear. I remember my mom hating my jellies, although even now I remember those hideous things fondly. What I also remember is that they quickly become discolored, always made my feet sweat, and were quickly out of style.

I guess I’m just not up to repeating history on this trend.