Peeping at tights

The debate about tights and open toed shoes has raged long and hard within fashion.

I am adamantly against tights and open toed shoes in any capacity. It just isn’t a look that works on anyone, regardless of what kind of clever tight/shoe color combination you put together.

Fishnet tights and peep toes are passable in my opinion, but I still am not an ardent supporter. Either find new shoes or polish those toes and go bare legged. And no, I don’t give a shit if it’s winter, there’s a foot of snow on the ground and the wind chill is -80. Look good or change your outfit.

A friend of mine was texting me this weekend asking about my feelings on tights and open toe shoes, trying to get my blessing, which I just refused to give. She gave me all kinds of excuses.

Good shoes made bad.

• Her friend from LA did it and it looked cute
• She had it on right now and looked good
• It’s not as bad as I think
• Cosmo totally had it featured in a recent issue

The last one is my favorite because I recall years ago an article in Cosmopolitan that said to manipulate your hand in the same motion as opening a jar when fondling the neither regions of your man. Because every guy loves the idea of having his junk wrenched around in your fist like a pickle jar.

Cosmo is so full of shit. About tights and shoes and “sexy” little hand-job tips. If we all take our cues from there we’d be walking around in mismatched bullshit clothing that we can’t afford, with tights sticking out of our peep-toe heels, wearing drugstore makeup and batting our false-lashed smoky eyes at every dude we see so we can find out if those 100 hot tips really work.

No, my opinion hasn’t changed. Yes, I see tights and open toes on runways, red carpets, magazines and blogs, and every time I do I cringe. It looks dumb and there’s no excuse for it. So shave your legs, toss on some moisturizer and accept the fact that it’s cold out and you have to wear those new shoes to dinner tonight because nothing else will work with your sexy little dress, and be a woman.

Fashion and beauty are pain. Start suffering.