The Last Word on Wedge Sneakers

I have a really hard time being casual. Mostly because being casual doesn’t generally involve heels, and I lack casual clothes, so I’m always excited when I see something casual that seems to fit my lifestyle. So you can imagine my excitement when I saw wedge sneakers.

Or maybe it was trepidation. Disgust? Confusion? Fascination?

It was all those things. It was one of those times when my brain was screaming no and yet there was a part of me saying, “But they’re wedges.”

Why did this ever seem like a good idea?

Yeah. They’re also sneakers, and ones that are totally non-functional at the one thing I think sneakers should be used for; working out.

Most of them also have Velcro, which put me off (see previously mentioned feelings on Velcro) enough so I didn’t run out and buy them, figuring I’d probably look stupid and awkward in them, just like I look stupid and awkward in anything casual.

Sure, this sounds paranoid, but it’s also totally true. You should see me in shorts. It’s weird. Not because of my legs. I actually don’t have bad legs. It’s because you pair shorts with t-shirts or tank tops. Generally ones without sequins. Because a t-shirt and a full face of makeup are not things that go together. And I always do my hair because I look like an ass if I pull it up, and refuse to let it air dry. This means I also look weird in jeans and a t-shirt, or hoodies, sweatshirts, and anything made out of flannel. You will also never see me in any of those things.

Then there was the one day I ran out in my kickboxing gear after class to get my eyebrows done and I ran into my sister and her friend.

Never again.

But I digress…

You will not look this effortlessly cool. 

So the jury was out on wedge sneakers and I decided the best thing to do was not buy them because I know I would never wear them. Then I saw them in person.

Never have I been happier I did not buy a shoe. I saw them on multiple people (real ones, not models) and saw them paired with everything from skinny jeans, to regular jeans and dresses, and it was all bad. Every time, regardless of what they were paired with they looked stupid.  I have no freaking idea how stylists made them not look asinine in photos so they could sell these things, but be warned, in reality they have no redeeming qualities.

So the final word on wedge sneakers: Skip them. Seriously, even if you’re the queen of casual, these hybrid nightmares will look ridiculous. Some things are better left alone.