Thursday, May 26, 2011

Velcro is for dummies

A few weeks ago I was asked by a friend when the appropriate time in life to stop wearing Velcro shoes is.

I'm pretty sure the correct answer is, "When you were five." Do they even make Velcro shoes for people who have gone through puberty?

Well, apparently they do, and there she was, face to face with a Velcro shoe wearing, suit clad adult on the Orange Line.

I missed the wonder that was Velcro. As a child of the 1980s one automatically assumes that I had Velcro shoes. Those wonderful shoes that go on and off with such ease. No stopping to bother with tying laces that would come undone. No broken laces or being tripped over because you knelt down to tie your shoe in the middle of a kickball game. No untied laces that are soaked from being dragged through puddles because you didn't want to stop and tie them (probably because of that asshole kid who can't see where he's going and trips over you).

These shoes are for children...and idiots.
Then again, what the hell would I know about Velcro shoes? The only thing I knew is that everyone in the entire world had them except me.

Seriously. When I was five and lobbying for a new pair of Velcro shoes I polled the whole world, or at least my neighborhood. I was in fact the only child who didn't have any. And do you want to know why?

Because if I had Velcro shoes people would think I was stupid.

Honest to God, that's the reason I was given. Apparently if I had Velcro shoes people would assume I couldn't tie my shoes (which I could), and therefore think I was dumb, and my parents weren't having any dumb children, so no Velcro for me.

Now all these years later and I'm faced with the question of the appropriate age to stop wearing Velcro, and the only thing I can think of is, "That guy must be dumb."

Apparently not everything my parents said went in one ear and out the other. I totally remember everything they taught me about judging people by their shoes and how to spot a dummy. (Totally the one in Velcro).

True to their word, I never did own Velcro shoes. Instead I got a pair of Reebok high tops with Barbie and the Rockers on them. They tied (parents happy) and had Velcro (I was happy). It was also my first pair of silver and pink shoes, and they were the best things in the world for like a week.

Now I wear heels. All the time, everywhere. You know why? Because I'm a grown-up and wear grown-up shoes. So put on your big kid pants, bend your ass over and tie your fucking shoes. Or buy a nice pair of slip on shoes, dress shoes, boots, something with a zipper..... Anything but Velcro.

What are you, stupid?

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