Monday, July 8, 2013

Fix Your Fat Toes

My husband recently sent me an article from Cracked on "The 6 Most WTF Medical Procedures that Actually Exist."

When I was a kid I wanted to be able to change heads. 
This couldn't possibly be more awesome because Cracked makes me laugh and I am oddly obsessed with plastic surgery. Not for myself (I've never had anything done), but for others.

Seriously, how can there be anything more grotesquely fascinating than Kenny Rogers new face, or the fact that Mombi can now be real with head transplants? Well, there's the apparently rampant problem of toebesity.

That would be fat-toes, which you can have made skinnier. You know, so you don't have fat little toes ruining your good looking shoes.

This condition, which is actually called portmanteau, can be fixed by paying a surgeon to take off bits of bone and skin to make your toes skinnier.

You didn't need that silly bone anyway.

My fat little toes don't need surgery. 
As someone with short, fat little toes, I find this appalling. Not because I think we should all embrace our real selves, (seriously, get whatever surgery you want) but because of all the appallingly dumb surgeries you can possibly get, is this really the one that's going to change your life?

If you're to the point where you're worried about your fat little toes, chances are you've already had too many surgical procedures you're a bona fide surgery addict and need a totally different kind of doctor.

Plus what happens when you have skinny, little monkey, finger toes after surgery? Then how do you
Scathandra's finger toes are great in the futuristic
world of Aeon Flux.
fix that? Saline injections in your toes to fatten them back up so they don't look like fingers? Or do you accept your fate that now you look like Scathandra from Aeon Flux?

Bonus points to readers who actually know who Aeon Flux is (or the previous Return to Oz tribute).

Why can't we just leave our toes alone? As long as they balance out with your feet and fit into shoes, don't worry about toe fatness. Because really, when is the last time a pair of shoes made your feet look fat?

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