Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My superhero nemesis

If I was a super hero I would have a rockin' costume.

It would probably be something that's a sassy mix of club clothes and jazzersize with a bunch of hardware thrown in for good measure, and of course sequins. And my superhero self would wear a bitchin' pair of heels to fight crime and injustice. After all, good shoes are a staple of super hero costumes.

Wonder Woman had knee high red boots, Cat Woman wore black stilettos that were part of her unitard, She-Ra had gold knee high boots, and Jem wore a more sensible pink pump. (It's hard to be multiple people in a day if you can't run a little in your shoes).

They all also had their nemesis, and had to battle evil while looking good. You never saw Wonder Woman or Super Girl falling all silly in their shoes, and Jem never tripped while booking it around the music studio to change identities and foil the Misfit's plan. She-Ra never had a hair out of place.

Which brings me to my nemesis. The one thing in the world that can really cause aggravation and stop me at every turn (sometimes literally).

Those damn orange nubby things before crosswalks all over the city. I don't know if other cities have these, but Chicago has got them all over, and no one is even really sure what function they serve other than to make me fall over.

I don't have particularly long legs, so I can't step over them (especially in the clothes I wear), and you can't go around them without walking in the grass (certain death), so every woman in the city in anything other than a pair of flats must teeter over these things with the utmost care, because their one function is to try and break your ankle.

Really, if anyone knows what these are for I'm all ears. I thought maybe it was to alert blind people to the fact that there's a crosswalk, but they seem to only be in residential areas and not downtown where traffic is most congested and you can get run over even if you are paying attention. Maybe there's a large number of blind people in Chicago, or maybe the city just couldn't think of anything else to spend their money on.

It could also be to slow down speed-walking hipsters and the occasional overzealous nanny who is pushing the stroller too fast.

Until I know what these are, and I get a convincing argument for their existence, I will continue to hate them. If I was on my way to fight crime and injustice (or go to the grocery store), it's those damn things that slow me down every time.

No comments: