Hide Your Eyes

I hate flip flops.

Not with the unbridled, burning hatred that I feel towards Crocks, because I actually own a pair of flip flops, but I still hate them.

The pair I own are red sequin and only get worn to the beach and to take the dog out at night. So the barely count as actually owning flip flops.

The thing I possibly hate the most about them is that thing between your toe. It’s so damn uncomfortable, like a permanent toe-wedgie. That rubs.

Seriously people, why do you wear these for more than 3 minutes at a time to cross the sand?

The other day I had my eyes assaulted again by a new form of sandal, and this one takes that whole flip flop, toe-wedgie

Gag.

thing to a whole new level.

Please don’t welcome Wellrox.

With four strips, these Birkenstock/flip flops from hell kind of resemble an octopus on your feet. Assuming an octopus is evil, small, ugly, hates everyone it comes in contact with, and punishes them by making them look.

These things are a true horror show.  I hope you didn’t eat recently, because I saw those right after I finished eating lunch and I almost barfed on my keyboard.

Refinery 29 proclaimed that they are giving the Vibram Five Fingers a run for their money in terms of ugly, and while I hate those, at least they have a function. They weird little hobbit-feet are for exercise, running and something about your natural gait.

But what purpose do Wellrox serve? To assault your toes and other people’s eyes? To be wildly uncomfortable? To take flip flops to the next level in absolute ridiculousness? No, they're supposed to be therapeutic. And not as in you need therapy after seeing them.

Whatever it is I hope no one buys them and they go away. They probably give you four blisters between your four little toes, causing maximum discomfort so you can’t wear any shoes. Then you have to walk around barefoot and worry about stepping on rusty things and getting tetanus.

I know they probably do this because they appear to be inherently evil and they’ll do whatever it takes to make your life miserable. Including tricking you into thinking they’re cute and a good idea. Or you can skip the whole therapy idea and just wear regular shoes, because in the end, nothing good will come of these.